Swinging : a Sociological conceptual framework of the influence of consensual non-monogamy on the marital satisfaction of South African couples
Abstract
Prompted by the comparative paucity of existing research on the subject of swinging in a South African context, the aim of this study was to explore how the consensual non-monogamous lifestyle of swinging affects marital satisfaction among South African couples, using a qualitative approach. Participants were purposefully selected from across South Africa through invitations to swingers’ clubs and snowball sampling. Data were gathered via individual semi-structured interviews, were audio recorded transcribed and subjected to thematic analysis. The findings were integrated into a Consensual Non-Monogamous Marital Satisfaction Model (CNMMS).
A number of enabling factors influenced participants’ decisions to engage in CNM, emanating from the worldview of the participants. These factors centred on how they critique and challenge religious views of monogamy and the view that the only valid relationship style is heteronormative.
Three main themes emerged to describe the reasons (or antecedents) why people engage in CNM. The first theme was influences from external sources, which included sub-themes such as the pro-swinging influence or prompting of the media, life partners, and social connections. In each of these sub-themes, the participants were introduced to CNM through an external source such as pop-up adverts (media), suggestions to engage in CNM from life partners, or through discussions with work colleagues (social connections). Typically, the world views of such individuals (which tended to be disconnected from religious indoctrinations and to view the notion of heteronormativity as limiting) were more partial to alternative romantic relationship styles.
The second main theme was the desire to fulfil needs for sexual diversity, centred around two sub-themes namely sexual needs and social needs. Sexual needs included the desires for sexual diversity (multiple partners) and fluidity (exploring bisexuality), which could be addressed through CNM by engaging with multiple sexual partners, the freedom to explore bisexuality without harming the primary relationship, and through the variety of themed rooms at clubs such as BDSM rooms or medical fetish rooms that cater to a wide array of fantasies and fetishes. As some of these needs could not be met in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, the need became a strong motivator to pursue
swinging. The second sub-theme, which centred on social needs, included the need for like-minded friendships where one could be authentic without fear of rejection or judgement from those who do not agree with the lifestyle. Non-lifestyle friends are perceived to be inauthentic whereas lifestyle friends are deemed to be more honest and authentic with regard to their sexuality. The freedom to be authentic without judgement and rejection was a strong motivation for the participants to engage in CNM.
The third main theme, trauma, linked to life experiences such as the death or infidelity of a partner that caused a reconstruction of what a relationship is and how it should be conducted. This made the participants susceptible to suggestions to different relationship styles such as a swinging lifestyle, which either offers an alternative to infidelity or a means to fulfil a sexual need arising from the death of a partner.
Couples who enter the lifestyle encounter challenges and derive benefits from their varied and diverse interactions with other swingers. The challenges and benefits most notably affected the personal, social, and marital aspects of their lives. The most significant challenges pertaining to the personal realm included a negative body image, which caused some participants to be reluctant to interact. This occurred mainly among women who felt too fat, too old, or otherwise insecure about perceived bodily imperfections. In many instances, this resulted in the women needing much more convincing to engage in CNM. However, once engaged, women typically become the maintainers of the lifestyle and seemed to enjoy it more than their male partners. In part, this was ascribed to the ‘women rule’ principle, which maintains that women are in control and determine when, where, and how swinging interactions transpire - which directly challenges patriarchy.
Nonetheless, despite maintaining the lifestyle, some women faked orgasms so as not to hurt the feelings of their swing partner, specifically when he was not a good lover, which attests to the maintenance of traditional gender roles and patriarchy. Furthermore, given the average age at which the participants entered the lifestyle (40–45 years), the onset of erectile dysfunction (ED) is prevalent and often not disclosed. The women who engaged with these men were in some instances left feeling inadequate. In other instances, men with ED were sought out by predominantly single female swingers, as that became a source of intimate touch and embrace which they otherwise would not get because of not having a steady partner. A final challenge pertained to inconsistent
condom use, as some participants felt that it was only useful as a birth control measure, and not as STI protection.
A few marital challenges were identified during the analysis, some of which are common to non-swinging relationships, and others which appear to be unique to the CNM lifestyle. A common challenge of the former kind was jealousy, which was often associated with distrust and disharmony, and which tended to negatively influence marital satisfaction. Although CNM is purported to be devoid of cheating, it remains prevalent in the lifestyle in the form of partners falling in love with their swing partners and conducting the relationship under the guise of swinging. Challenges unique to CNM occur mainly during the entry phases to the lifestyle, which require the negotiation of a playstyle and deciding whether to engage in ‘full swap’ (i.e., penetration with the play partner) or ‘soft swap’ (i.e., flirting or petting with no penetration). These challenges all require open and sexually candid communication within the dyad. Failure to communicate effectively about these challenges could damage the primary relationship.
Once the couple has navigated the initial stages of entry into CNM and addressed the marital challenges, they start coming into contact with other swingers, clubs, and swing parties, which also expose them to challenges in their social lives, centring on racial dynamics, non-lifestyle friendships, religion1, age and the perceived exploitative nature of swingers’ clubs. Although clubs are deemed to be a safe space to engage in bisexual encounters and explore needs for sexual diversity, they are also perceived as exploitative, particularly toward single men, who are expected to pay the admittance price of a couple to a club, while single women are in some instances not charged an entry fee. Single women, however, felt exploited for the benefit of couples who wish to engage in threesomes or bisexual encounters.
There were meaningful differences in how each race perceives and enacts swinging. While white persons engage in swinging mainly for sexual diversity, friendship and agency, black and coloured swingers are perceived to be more penis-centric, reportedly engaging in swinging to “show off” their larger penises. Furthermore, white swingers mostly play with other whites, while black and coloured swingers seek out white women as trophies. Black and coloured male participants noted that they avoid swinging with others of their own race due to a penis-centric outlook; they do not want their partners to
be with another black or coloured man who has a bigger penis. Age (i.e., specifically as it related to youthfulness) is another notable social challenge. The influx of much younger swingers was deemed a challenge, despite the older swingers generally being the ones who invited them in. Younger women are often perceived as being sexually immature, despite the notion that an older man with a younger woman implies that he “still has the moves”. Meanwhile, younger men are seen as virile and sexually exciting for the older female swinger and enhanced the feeling that the older women are still desirable.
While the challenges were more prevalent during the entry stages of CNM, the benefits seemed to become more prevalent after engagement in CNM. As was the case with the challenges, the benefits also occurred within the social, marital, and personal domains. Both men and women experienced better hygiene practices, such as shaving and taking extra care with cleanliness. The most notable benefits directly associated with marriage included learning new sexual techniques and then transferring this to the marital bed, leading to a feeling of enhanced marital satisfaction. The findings highlight the value of candid and honest communication to navigate the challenges and amplify the benefits associated with engagement in CNM. An understanding of such challenges and benefits, as well as the value of open communication about them, could be of significant value to counsellors and therapists working with individuals either already in or considering entry into the CNM lifestyle. Such support could assist couples in transcending the initial stages, which are characterised by various challenges that could be detrimental to the dyad, and to enhance the benefits associated with the lifestyle, which would facilitate enhanced marital satisfaction.
Irrespective of its eventual effect on the couple’s relationship, the study shows how CNM facilitates the democratisation of contemporary South African men and women’s conceptualisations, experiences and expressions of sexual intimacy.
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